Guest Column: Robert Schmidt on Donald Trump — Satire for the 54%

Editor’s note: The Trump presidency has been a goldmine for writers seeking a more public voice; local author Robert Schmidt offers this column exclusively for TheLiberalOC:

Naked Trump Statute


Phase 1 in The Donald’s final solution to the “Islam problem” was banning Muslims from targeted countries from traveling to the US. It’s a tiny first step in his master plan to Make America White Again. The ban is a strong start, but it’ll take more before The Donald can take full credit for completely scrapping democracy and replacing it with a white male-led fascist plutocracy. The Donald’s top two advisors, who the Secret Service have code named Himmler and Goering, have convinced our leader that there’s more to eradicating Islam than attacking its people. Total victory can only be achieved once he has eradicated their culture and history.

Now we have a glimpse into the Phase 2 plan to eradicate Islam in the US. The following are selected excerpts from a document that was inadvertently left at a Washington brothel by a high ranking Trump staffer. Here’s my analysis of the plan, the aftermath and some likely outcomes:

  • Step one is to ban all words with an Arabic origin from our vocabulary. This idea appeals to many of The Donald’s core supporters, who think most words were invented just so liberal intellectuals can show off. Words like admiral, algebra and sheik need to go. This creates an immediate backlash for all fashion related businesses that include the word chic. The Donald personally steps in and renames them all using the word classy. The US Navy has to rename their top officer. They allow the rank and file to vote on it and they select “Swabbie-in Chief.” The word algebra doesn’t need to be replaced, because under The Donald’s new Secretary of Education, math will be replaced by Christian studies.
  • The Donald plans to sign an executive order banning burkas or any other form of clothing intended to “hide a woman’s face.” An unanticipated consequence is that ski masks are banned, crippling the sale of snow mobiles and trapping all Minnesotans and Wisconsinites in their homes from December to May.
  • The Donald also signs an addendum executive order banning Rosie O’Donnell from appearing in public without a burka.
  • Middle Eastern foods are the next to go. The falafel is soon as extinct as the dinosaur, the dodo and the moderate Republican. There is a minor setback when, after vehement Italian and Greek American protest, The Donald is forced to allow lamb and olives back into stores. The Donald spares the fig because he believes it was discovered by an American named Fig Newton.
  • The Donald isn’t content to limit his Middle Eastern ban to people. But when he announces his plans to deport camels and cobras, he doesn’t state it’s because they’re Islamic animals. It’s all because of their behavior. America is no place for animals with a disgusting spitting habit.
  • When his scientists explain that the Egyptians invented the 12 month calendar and the concept of AM and PM, he abolishes both. He declares that, henceforth, 6AM to 6 PM will be called day and 6PM to 6AM will be called night. Chaos ensues as Americans try to figure out what it means when they get invited to a meeting on “the 32nd Tuesday at 9 day.”
  • In a full frontal assault of Islam, The Donald orders that all Mosques be shuttered. When he adds all Hindu and Buddhist Temples to the order, his aides have to explain that Hindus and Buddhists aren’t, as The Donald believes, “different kinds of Muslims.”
  • The document also hints that The Donald’s next goal will be banning atheists. He promises to “close down their places of worship and make sure they go from not believing there is a God to not not believing there is a God.”
  • The Donald doesn’t only propose that Islam is banned. He plans to ban all religions that have the same origins as Islam. When he tells his Christian advisors, they are left to shake their heads in awe of The Donald’s “huge amount of knowing stuff” and dream of how good life might have been under President Cruz.
  • To be fair, The Donald has identified certain aspects of the Muslim world that he hopes to expand in American culture. He admires the role they’ve carved out for women in their society, he agrees that Russia should be our preferred ally and he has already established that we will be ruled by a billionaire oligarch.

This is just one piece of one rock in a mountainside’s worth of evil that lies ahead. Stay tuned as we divulge more of the Trump reign of ignominy.