I have no idea what I’m doing

It seems to be a theme in my life, well part of it. So much change in the last few years, from innumerable personal losses, job changes which just meant moving from one job I don’t love to another and the end of a fifteen year marriage. I put a lot of myself into the latter to the extent that it made everything else in my life move to the back seat. I made choices that meant I put off my health and my own wellbeing.

That’s an important thing to note. I made choices. Nothing so far in my life has not happened without my explicit consent. I chose to put off going back to school, I chose to encourage Gary to run for office rather than do it myself. He really is far more even keeled than I am and has far fewer tread marks on his tongue than I would ever had had if I’d run for any kind of public office. It is not who I am, nor do I think I would be suited for public office. That’s okay, I am learning where I fit.

But I still have no idea what I am doing, even as I continue to push myself to grow, to the point of being uncomfortable most of the time. I chose to stop blogging, I chose to stop being involved in many things. So much has overwhelmed me, from health issues that started with the birth of my daughter Charlotte to the car accident in 2011 that was a setback on many levels for me.

And yet, here I am, writing because it is what I need to do in order to stay a little bit sane.

And I still have no idea what I am doing. This is an important theme to the blogger at large since so many of us want to pretend we have all the answers. I don’t. In fact, I think the main issue we have in politics comes down to those with just a little information who believe they can solve all our problems with oversimplified solutions. They hope you aren’t paying attention and bank on you being overwhelmed with your own personal lives, your own loss, health issues, crisis and struggles. In fact the whole system depends on the majority of us being completely incapable of taking an active part in our political system. It’s what keeps the whole thing FUBAR.

You see, it works just well enough so it doesn’t completely collapse, but not enough that we might actually thrive. We have to keep working, clawing our way to that proverbial top, to try to trade in our mediocre jobs to cash in and move to the 1% that is growing in wealth or slip out of the middle class that is becoming extinct.

It’s not going to happen. It’s not a plan to have because, odds are, you are more likely to be struck by lightning than to rise to the top 1%. The broken will stay broken as long as we linger and hope things change for the better. We act like the insane, doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Voting in the same bunch of entitled assholes hoping maybe this bunch might, just might, change things for the better.

I’m not saying I have answers. I don’t, and I am not saying that my rant is somehow helpful. It is not.

But I’ve chosen to live my life in such a way that each and everything I do matters. That’s how I change the world. That every action I take, that every way I treat a stranger and a loved one is how I change the world. That little act of kindness, the patience I might have for someone having a shitty day, the pause I take to let someone in on the freeway on ramp, letting someone ahead of me in line at the supermarket. You know what, that stuff does matter. It won’t change the world, but it will change that person’s world, temporarily.

It feeds our souls and allows us to maybe try to do some other things, little things. Just one thing? Try another thing, maybe sign a petition, do a beach clean up, volunteer at a local school? Do something. One thing this month.

Start somewhere, because I have no idea what I’m doing, but I get up everyday and ask myself, what can I do to make my day a little better? I look for opportunity to make every person’s existence that crosses my path a little better, for no other reason other than I can.

You don’t have to have the answers to the world’s problems. But you can change someone’s day. You can make a difference with small actions. They all add up, ALL OF THEM.