Trump Announcement: A Breakup in Progress?

Donald Trump

LAS VEGAS, NEVADA — Billionaire Donald Trump caused a flurry of speculation on Wednesday when he announced that he would be making a major announcement on Thursday, Groundhog Day. According to Trump adviser Michael Cohen, “the announcement will pertain to the presidential race.” There has been speculation that Mr. Trump will be making an endorsement.

CBS News reported last night:

Two sources confirmed to CBS News that the publicity savvy businessman plans to endorse the former House speaker in his bid for the Republican presidential nomination. Nevada holds its caucus Saturday.

The CBS television station in Las Vegas, KLAS-TV, reported earlier Wednesday that Trump would endorse Gingrich, citing “sources.”

Shortly after news of an unspecified “announcement” was made Wednesday, but before the endorsement was confirmed by CBS News and other media outlets, Gingrich was coy when asked about what Trump might say.

“I have no idea what the Donald is going to do. He is always interesting, and I don’t know of anybody who does a better job of getting attention by announcing that he will presently announce something,” Gingrich said.

Our sources are telling a different story. LiberalOC has been slipped the draft text of Trump’s statement planned for Thursday at 12:30 p.m. at Trump International Hotel & Tower, Las Vegas, Nevada. It was found wedged in a seat cushion at the hotel salon.

Mr. Trump:

The four remaining candidates seeking the GOP Presidential nomination have sought my endorsement. It is with a heavy heart that I announce that I cannot at this time offer my endorsement of any of these fine candidates.

I really want to run for President against Barack Obama, but my contract for Celebrity Apprentice prohibits me from seeking the nomination until the current season ends. But I have found a loophole as big as the capital gains tax rate that will allow me to accomplish both objectives.

I want to make money, and my hair wants to go a few different ways while running for President at the same time. So today, I announce that my hair and I are breaking up.

I will continue my responsibilities with Celebrity Apprentice while my hair seeks the support of those who don’t trust Newt, don’t know where Mitt will stand on the issues tomorrow or the day after, are concerned about Rick’s sweater-vest fashion sense, and are just afraid of Ron in the GOP primary for the Presidential nomination.

I only ask during this time of personal struggle, that you don’t laugh at my bald head and remember that with your support, my hair and I will be back together in Tampa at the convention.

We’ve been wrong before, and just like Newt said, I have no idea what the Donald is going to do. He is always interesting, and I don’t know of anybody who does a better job of getting attention by announcing that he will presently announce something.

Punxsutawney Phil

In other news, the annual emergence of Punxsutawney Phil for Groundhog Day was delayed when he was startled by a TV image of Trump’s hair and ran back inside his home refusing to come out and look for his shadow. Town leaders postponed the scheduled event in the hopes that Phil would calm down enough to come out tomorrow. Bob McInerny, a local farmer from the other side of town, told reporters he was disappointed but given the current crop of Republican candidates “it looks like were going to have a lot more weeks of winter than Phil could have predicted anyway.”