Dear Art.Â Can I call you Art, Pendejo?
I’m writing to offer you cash for the rights to the OJ blog.
I know you hype your Sitemeter and Alexa numbers on a regular basis, and you only care about BBN when you’re ranked 1 or 2, but I’ve done some actual research on your site and the numbers you provide your readers andÂ I want you to know that I’m prepared to make you aÂ realistic offer to acquire the Orange Juice blog.
I’m offering $86.
Let me tell you how I arrived at this very fair offer.Â
The forms you filed while running for office last fall demonstrates the value of the OJ blog which you yourself place between $2,000 and $10,000. Better still, it shows you have only generated about $500 in ad revenue from the blog (over a five year period) and since you’re currently offering ads for free, for advertisers, you get what you pay for.Â As far as hits to your site go, I’m frankly only interested in your monthly unique visitors which are available through a neat site called www.quantcast.com.Â The folks at Quantcast show your monthly unique visitors to be in the hundreds, not the thousands as you claim.Â Here’s the link.
Art, let’s be honest. (Try for me, I know you can try honesty).Â You have a problem with numbers.
Your LinkedIn profile reveals a startling and unreported business success story that even the Register has missed.Â Since opening Art Pedroza and Associates last November, you claim to have more than 200 employees in your Organization.Â Somebody call the Register’s business desk and the OCBJ for a profile, stat!Â And with business that good, you should be able to move into the mayor’s neighborhood.
The fact is Art, your business doesn’t have 200 employees, your site may get thousands of hits a day from a few hundred unique visitors a month (what do you do, sit and click the refresh button over and over?) but the facts show it’s a blog well read by a very small number of people.Â Your company is likely, just you.
Seriously, you must have been a bully in elementary school or something.Â You can’t legitimately criticize anyone on their ideas alone without making fun of someone’s physical appearance, ageÂ or name.Â You rush every rumor into print.Â It just lowers the bar on political discussions.Â There’s little positive to say about your site.Â So by buying the OJ blog from you, I feel as though I’m doing a public service by taking a bad product off the market.Â I’ll move a couple of your bloggers over to our site, and, if you ask me nicely, allow you to guest blog a post that would be thoroughly fact checked.Â You wouldn’t be allowed to use any parajitos as sources without naming them.Â And you would have to refer to Matt Cunningham as Matt Cunningham, not Jubal or Jerbal.Â I seldom agree with Matt on all things political, but I call him Matt.Â Â And he refers to us by our names as well.
Art, you’re desperately seeking respect.Â I’m offering you a chance at respect.Â So you can make some money to take your wife out for a nice dinner to pay her back for all that money she loaned you while you ran for office and hold your head up high.Â Or don’t sell OJ to me, and keep looking over your shoulders for the Usual Suspects as you type away at another personal attack against someone who doesn’t agree with you.Â The offer is more than generous.Â And it’s more than fair. Which is more than I can say for you.
What do you say?